Am I really in love with someone or am I trying to pretend that I love someone? She is a good girl, too good to make me feel guilty when I was flirting with someone else in the past. Maybe I should tell her that we should stop seeing each other, since she told me that she’s still missing someone more than she had thought, and that she can’t decide by now what she’s gonna do. I thought I would be happy and freely choose another girl when she said so but now I feel empty instead. Such a funny paradox that I am in. I really don’t know my feeling and even if I love her, I don’t want to keep her by my side if she still love somebody that I don’t even know.
I have 3500 words waiting for me to finish by the end of the day and right now I have nothing in my mind what I’m gonna write about. I know if I don’t do it now, I need to retake the class but I’m actually thinking about quitting school. I’m so fucked up, I hate school, I want to be free. Please, goddamnit, I can’t decide what I should do.
Be friend with straight will not turn you to be straight and of course be friend with gay will never turn you to be gay unless you are gay.
Don’t make your life easier by hiding the truth, make it worth living by showing your true self 🙂
Dear my future girlfriend,
Where are you now? I really hope to see you soon. No matter who you are, I will love you with all my heart. Please come to me and I promise you won’t regret from loving me. I don’t expect too much from my girlfriend, just someone makes me flutter when seeing her face. But why does it so hard to find the right one?
The reason I started to create this blog is to express my true self which I never want to show neither in real life nor on those big-huge social platforms so called Facebook or Twitter where everyone can find your information easily. I created a new email address, new name, no pictures, make sure none of my friend would trace me.
Yes I’m gay, or in other words, I’m a lesbian. It’s not that no one knows that I’m gay but probably no one understands how I feel deeply. I don’t expect my friends to understand me because I don’t want to get hurt, so I choose not to talk about my feelings in front of them. I’m just keeping it for myself and suffering it by myself. So here is my story.
I was born physically as a girl, but since the very early age, I mentally considered myself as a boy. However, I was educated as a girl by family, by teacher, by friends, by school and under the fogyish country surrounded by narrow-minded people in the time that still don’t have exact definition what gay is, my sexual oriental is unacceptable I supposed, I need to keep it for myself and pretended to be “normal”. And can you imagine that even me thought it was sick, it was disgusting. Why? Because I believed that I’m a son of God and I wrongly went into my mother’s womb and I would transform into a boy when the time comes, and of course a boy should love a girl. I realized that it had been such a silly perception when I was in secondary school. And yes, since then, that was the difficult time for me, I denied myself, I hated myself to keep looking at those pretty girls at school, I was jealous with all the boys can express their feelings to those they love, I hided my heart and acted ‘cool’, I wasn’t brave enough to accept my sexuality, I didn’t have any close friend…